Theory: How One Direction Rose to Fame

       So, you've heard of One Direction? I'm not surprised. In most places, you can't go very far without hearing the band's name or seeing the members' faces. But how did they come to be the successful band they are today? How can the rise of One Direction correlate with the decline of massively popular '90's boy bands like *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys? Questions like these have perplexed my mind and have led me to create a hypothesis. 

Theory: How One Direction Rose to Fame

       One dark night, the members of *NSYNC were taking a canoe ride in a lagoon. They were talking about the usual, cracking occasional jokes at bandmates, when someone decided to take it too far. 
       "Chris, if you keep getting fatter, you're gonna hit the sun one day," JC Chasez says. 
       "How could you say something like that?!" Chris Kirkpatrick asks, completely aghast. Offended, he jumps into the lagoon, in which the alligators swiftly devour him. 
       "No! My friend!" JC cries. Unable to deal with the guilt wracking his body, JC also dives into the lagoon and meets the same fate as Chris. 
       "Hey, Joey!" Lance Bass calls. "You aren't too far away from hitting the sun either."
       "Lance! How could you?!" Mortified, Joey Fatone plunges into the lagoon and becomes dinner for the alligators. 
       "No! My best friend!" Horrified at the thought of causing his bandmate's suicide, Lance jumps out of the canoe and is instantly eaten. 
       "Oh no! My bandmates! What will I do now?!" Justin Timberlake cries."Oh yeah! I have a successful solo career!" 
       Realizing his fame did not depend on his group members, Justin rows the canoe toward the dock. Once he reaches, he sees none other than Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys. 
      "You let your bandmates die! How horrible of you!" Nick screams. "You only care about your solo career, you filthy, selfish imbecile!" 
       Justin is immediately horrified by his behavior. "I let my friends die! I am a filthy, selfish imbecile!" Thoroughly disgusted by his actions, Justin throws himself out of the canoe and meets the same cruel fate as the rest of *NSYNC. 
      "Yes! Now we are the greatest boy band alive!" Nick cheers. 
      "Wouldn't it just have been easier to shoot them all or something?" Howie Dorough asks.
      "No! We needed to get rid of the evidence! With all this advanced technology, they would have traced the DNA back to us," Brian Littrell explains. 
      "Whatever you say, I guess," AJ McLean says, more than a little confused. 
      "Well, we did accomplish our goal," Kevin Richardson adds. All the other Backstreet Boys agree. 
      What they didn't know, was that 98 Degrees was watching them. Sitting on top of clouds, they were recording everything the Backstreet Boys were saying. 
      "Let's give this to TMZ!" Drew Lachey exclaims. 
      "That's a brilliant idea!" Nick Lachey chimes in. 
      "Let's go!" Justin Jeffre orders. 
      "Thank God! I hate these clouds!" Jeff Timmons adds. 

      A few hours later, Nick Carter is checking the news on his phone. Suddenly, he sees a "Breaking News" sign flash on the screen. He clicks on it, and is redirected to an article with the title "Backstreet Boys Responsible for Death of *NSYNC."
     "No! We have been discovered!" Afraid of facing the consequences, Nick runs to his car and climbs on top of it. His driver gets into the car to go for a quick ride, and Nick is thrown off, meeting an unfortunate fate. 
     "No! Our youngest, most attractive member is gone!" Brian screams, completely shocked. 
     "We can't be successful now!" AJ cries. 
     Unable to go on without Nick, the rest of the Backstreet Boys jump into manholes.
     "Yes!" cheers Drew, who was watching from behind a bush. "Now 98 Degrees will be the biggest boy band in the world!" 
     What they didn't know, was that One Direction had inserted cameras into the ground, recording 98 Degrees's schemes. 
     "I think we should give this to TMZ," Harry Styles suggests. 
     "Yeah. That would be a wonderful idea," Zayn Malik compliments. 
     "What if someone else is actually recording us?" Liam Payne asks.
     "He has a point. 98 Degrees thought no one was watching them, but of course they were wrong," Louis Tomlinson adds. 
     "Oh, don't worry about that. I've already surveyed the land," says Niall Horan. "I have to put all my money to some use."
     "That's bloody brilliant!" Zayn cheers. With that, the members of One Direction take their footage to TMZ. 

      Later in the day, the members of 98 Degrees are all watching the news in their personal theater. Suddenly, dreadful words appear on the screen. Emblazoned on the TV screen is the headline "98 Degrees Put an End to the Backstreet Boys."
      "No! We are disgraced!" Jeff screams. Justin pulls out his laptop, and the four book tickets to Syria, a place they wouldn't be publicly shamed in. Hours later, they are all on a flight to the Middle East. 
      From that day on One Direction was the biggest boy band on the planet, and they danced all night to the best song ever.

It's 1D!!!!

Another something my sister and I wrote years ago:

“Shut up! Those jeans are so hard to get!” Cleo can’t believe that I bought those new jeans that were featured in “Vogue.” Thank God for recess. I finally get the time to talk about important things, not like meteorology.

“I know! I’m totally wearing them tomorrow. Khenen would definitely notice me!”

Cleo agrees with me, but she seems somewhat disappointed. I brush it off as nothing. Shakira is just standing there listening to me, which is pretty much all she ever does.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Lila runs up to us. She wasn’t at lunch with us because she had to finish some test that I totally BS-ed. Honestly, I don’t understand why anybody cares about algebra. It won’t help anyone in life.

“Oh my God! I have to tell you guys something!” Lila exclaims. From the way she’s talking, it sounds like she snagged a modeling gig from Victoria’s Secret.

“What?” I ask, honestly not caring.

“Guess who was finishing the test with me!” She’s still acting overly excited and it’s annoying me, especially since she interrupted me when I was talking about my jeans.

“Channing Tatum,” I answer, putting as much enthusiasm in my voice as she deserves: none.

Lila smiles, obviously not detecting my lack of interest. “It was Khenen.”

At this point, she has my undivided attention.

“What about him?” Cleo asks, obviously interested as well.

“He stopped me on the way out the door,” she starts, still smiling.

“And?” I don’t like the direction this heading in.

“He asked me out! And I said yes!”

At this point, Lila is all smiles, and I totally want to slap her. There is absolutely no way Khenen would like somebody like Lila. She’s not even half as pretty as me, and she dresses like crap. But then there are always those guys that are looking at her...

“Why the heck are you telling me this?!” I scream at her.

“What?” Lila is obviously too stupid to understand anything.

“What do you mean ‘what?’ You knew I liked Khenen!”

“Why would you ever say yes?!” Cleo yells, backing me up.

“Well...I like him too. And we’re friends,” Lila explains, as if it helps.

“He just asked you out because you always wear tight clothes and act like such a...” I go on to call her every degrading name I can possibly think of. I know I’m being irrational. Tight clothes are right up my alley as well, but it doesn’t matter. Khenen was supposed to be mine!

Lila is obviously too confused to respond. I can tell my comments offended her, but I couldn’t have cared less. Cleo is busy telling Lila that she can’t date Khenen.

“I’m kicking you out of the clique if you actually go out with him!” I scream.

Lila is about to say something back to me, but it’s time to get back to class. She walks inside alone, and I can see that she’s really upset. If this issue didn’t involve the hottest guy in school, I might have felt the slightest bit guilty.

The minute I get to class, I grab a seat by Khenen. Desperately, I wish Lila was just joking around, but deep down, I know she’s not.

“Hey Meg,” Khenen greets me. I ignore him.

“Is everything okay?” he asks, noticing my expression.

“Why don’t you tell me?” I respond.

“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says.

“Why in the world would you ask Lila out? Of all the girls in this school, you pick her?!” My voice is really loud right now, and I’m thankful there are no teachers.

“I like her,” he explains. “so I asked her out. I don’t understand what the problem is.”

“What do you see in her? Are you crazy?!” The words escape my mouth before I can think, but I’m too mad to care.

“Okay...this is ridiculous. Why do you even care who I go out with?”

I actually think I’m about to burst into tears. I’ve never felt so insulted.

“I can’t believe you asked her out!” I yell. “You even made me think that you liked me! I can’t believe you would do this to me!”

Khenen looks confused. “I never made you think anything. We’re just friends. I don’t know why you ever thought there was something else.”

“I can’t believe you! I don’t even know why I ever cared about you! Go have fun with your stupid girlfriend. I’m so done with you!”

Suddenly, Khenen stands up. “That’s great, ‘cause I’m done with you too.” He grabs his books and finds a seat by Lila, who just entered the room.

This is unexpected. I was positive Khenen would beg me to keep talking to him.

Cleo grabs the now-vacant seat next to me.

“What happened?” she asks. She was fixing her make-up in the bathroom, so she missed out on the entire episode.

Slowly, I explain the situation to Cleo. I don’t know how I’m still composed, but I guess it’s a good thing. My mascara would smear otherwise.

“I can’t believe he’s going out with Lila! I totally did not expect that,” Cleo says. I know she’s trying to help, but it’s not working.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I told Cleo.

I didn’t talk at all for the rest of class, nor did I pay attention to whatever Mrs. Brock was blabbering about. The next few periods passed by extremely slowly. I can’t believe I messed up my friendship with Khenen. I can’t believe he doesn’t like me. My life is just a complete mess.

As I’m putting my papers into my folder, I come across that permission slip for that enrichment camp. My life is messed up already. I might as well just go to this camp. It’s bound to be terrible, but I have nothing to lose.  

Eight Ways of Looking at Math Homework

I
Among the twelve massive textbooks,
The only one worth studying
Is the math textbook.

II
I was of fifteen minds,
Like the book
In which there are fifteen math problems.

III
I do not know which to dread more,
The searing pain in my skull
Or the workouts in my math book.

IV
A paper and pencil
Are one.
A paper and pencil and a math book
Are one.

V
The frost covers the fresh grass
No longer green.
My math book is inside,
Still and covering the table.

VI
O UMTYMP professors,
Why do you find joy in linear algebra?
Do you not see how your students
Joyously play in the snow
Without such burdens?

 

VII
She dragged herself to the table
Crowded with pens and pencils and erasers.
Once, a fear pierced her,
In that she mistook
Her copy of 'As I Lay Dying'
For her linear algebra textbook.

VIII
The children are crying.
They must be enrolled in UMTYMP.